The Letter
by givemethesemoments
Summary: Delia finds an envelope in her room with her name on it that had somehow been misplaced by Patsy, and Patsy is terrified because inside the envelope is the truth about Patsy's feelings for Delia, which she felt the need to write down in case she ever had the strenght or need to explain them. F/F


I can't believe she had found it, it was my biggest dream and most feared nightmare, in which she had unveiled the contents of the letter I wrote to myself about her, with hope, yet sadness, because the only conclusion I could get out of writing it was that life is hard unless you dream and hope, and hope some more, and then crumble down terribly when you find out there is nothing you can do about it, you feel like you can't tell anyone, and any time you hear anything mentioned about this person or about people like you, you get nervous, don't know how to act, you feel like you need to hide yourself but you don't want to suffer in silence, and you know that if you do tell anyone there is always a chance that they will neglect you or in some form find a way to not accept you, using cheap excuses, just like everyone does, and the person you fear the most is the person you love the most, because you don't want them to know the thought you get that you can't control and are so taboo, of course, in this world of hate love is bound to be taboo... But I never thought of it as love, love is wanted, love is needed, and sure, I wanted AND needed love to the point of desperation, when I didn't know what to do with those emotions I had, but I knew she probably didn't wan't that love back, or that was at least what I thought. She was still reading the letter. I was trembling and slightly panting. I just couldn't keep myself together anymore, I cried.

She had still not gotten to the part where I reveal who the crush I was writing about is, but she saw me shaking and held my hand. I saw it as more of a sympathetic gesture, but I still took my hand away, already feeling the guilt of what was to come.

"What's wrong Pats?"

"Just carry on reading, please... I have no strengths to tell you myself, and I feel like it would be unfair to make you feel bad about something that is my fault."

She carried on reading and paused for a moment.

I stayed distant yet observed every one of her facial expressions...

It seems she was so shocked that there wasn't even a facial expression for it, because she just showed a neutral face with some occasional surprised looks.

"Oh. Oh. OH!"

I immediately, without hearing her opinion, started reciting my apology speech.

"I am terribly sorry. I have no idea how this happened... We were ok, and there I go, as always ruining everything... I am so sorry... I should have kept it to myself, I shoud have hidden it, I never meant to ruin our friendship, I never meant to upset you... I think the best thing for me to do is to leave..."

"Wait."

I turned around

"What for? Are you going to make fun of me now?"

"No, I- I would never do such a thing... I care about you too much, cariad..."

"So it doesn't bother you that I have these feelings for you"

"I- I love you and, yes I did deny it, I tried to hide it, said some hurtful things, to you and to myself, and I'm very sorry for that, it was just very hard for me to admit this... I've spent my whole life denying it, saying that that couldn't possibly be who I was but I've finally come to terms with who I am, and, now, now is the only chance I've ever had to be happy with myself, now is the chance for us both to be happy. You do realise, that apart from the fact that I couldn't accept myself, I thought it was even more wrong, because of how much I loved you.

I love you so, so much it scares me, I keep thinking it'll be too much of an intense thing for you. Have you ever stopped to think that that could have been the case all along, that I wasn't just teasing you, and that I myself was in pain, because since I was young they taught me to be a certain way? It confused me an awful lot when I found out I couldn't be that way, I couldn't get a hot football player boyfriend in high school and spend my life with him... For goodness sake! I don't even like football, why would I like a man that plays it? Why would I like a man full stop? I mean... Em... Well I love my dad, but that's obviously in a completely different way... Ok I'm just making it sound worse"

We both burst out laughing, but I was still rather shocked

"I'd only ever dreamed about it." I smiled back at her.

"About what?"

"Talking about this with you so comfortably, and having you know, and you're, completely fine with it! It feels like an impossible delusion, something that would never get past my ravenous thoughts..."

"I find it easy to talk with you, in fact, I was waiting to see if you would mention your feelings for me..."

"Were they really that obvious?"

"Well... I suppose it was partially wishful thinking... And also the fact that I'm the only person you feel comfortable with... You don't really talk much to anyone else in the Nurses Home, or in the town as a matter of fact... Only for work reasons. And the fact that I'm the only person you share every detail with... And I feel like you're the the only person I share every little detail with, and I know it's every little detail because I might share a lot about myself but I can only really be my full self with you. Sorry, I should really stop talking, I'm just so happy it makes me nervous and I start saying things, just because... Can you find a way to make me stop talking?" She snickered.

And then we kissed. Her kiss was the answer. There was no question. There had never been a question, but boy did I need an answer.

This answer felt like it revealed the secrets of life, suddenly, it all made sense, everything had a purpose and my own life started to recover the value and meaning that it once had when I was very small and still had my mother and sister.


End file.
